Farlozn

I've neglected to write for 3 months? Wow. That's a long time. I've had a few adventures since then. I live in a new state. I have a new job. I'm now a man. One of those is a fib.

So we're here, settled into Houston and in love with the fact that it's not Miami. The apartment is lovely and the extra bedroom and bathroom are waiting with baited breath for visitors.

So, for those of you who are interested, here's what I did on my summer vacation:

1. Left on July 4th at 10pm instead of July 5th at 5am to avoid being kept up all night by street fireworks.

2. Camped in TH. Stone Memorial St. Joseph Peninsula State Park, FL, as suggested by National Geographic. Very out of the way but insanely beautiful and worth the trip.

3. Slept at a Holiday Inn in Baton Rouge, LA. Kicked ourselves all night for not going the extra miles to New Orleans instead. On the bright side, I found a 100% gluten-free restaurant. On the not so bright side, M got food poisoning at said gluten-free restaurant.

4. Spent 4 days in Houston with K&D and their cute babies. Had a job interview, got an apartment, had lots of fun.

5. Went to Hope, AR. Got to stand on a rug that was the exact replica (only smaller) of the rug that was in the oval office when Clinton was in office, in the house that was next to the house where Bill was born. So authentic.

6. Went to Little Rock, AR. Stayed with some awesome couchsurfer hosts, went to a potluck, fell in love with a 130# Great Dane.

7. Camped and fished in Petite Jean State Park, AR. Sweated. Saw a stick bug that was the size of my hand.

8. Went to Eureka Springs, known as Arkansas' San Francisco. As M says, it is the love child of San Francisco and a Faulkner novel. As I say, it is pretty spectacular.

9. Went to Manhattan, KS. Hung out with the lovely A&B. Pet some cows. Ate some cows. Saw ditch weed growing wild. Visited KSU where every entrance has a sign posted informing you that firearms are not allowed in the school.

10. Went to St. Louis, MO. Visited our old neighborhood and realized how totally cool it is there. Then M reminded me that I had said that about every place we had been since leaving Miami.

11. Went to Chicago. Hung with J&M, ate some awesome food, vegged out on the couch and watched 40 episodes of Weeds, or just about.

12. Went to Urbana, IL. Hung with B&L and their tiny, charming dog. Ate some good food and lollygaged around town. That's right, I said lollygaged.

13. We were headed to Kentucky but thinking about going to NY. We stopped into a gas station in Indianapolis, directly across the street from the Indy 500. Some old lady selling souvenirs asked us where we were headed. We said "Kentucky or New York". Old lady says "I've been to Kentucky, go to New York", so we did.

14. Went to Rockland County, NY. Saw all the family and hiked Harriman State Park. Sweated, but not as much as in #7.

15. Driving through Pennsylvania on our way to Virginia, a truck in front of us blew a tire and knocked something off the bottom of our car. We got off the highway and realized we were surrounded by car dealerships. Everything except Honda (our car). We went to the Jeep dealership and some beautiful man fixed it for free.

16. Went to Charlottesville, VA and had lots of fun (can you tell I'm getting tired here).

17. Drove the Blue Ridge Parkway. Camped in Boone, NC. Drove the parkway to Ashville, NC. Visited a very pregnant J and A in Charlotte, NC. J gave birth the next day, after we left!

18. Went to Disney World. In August. It sucked. But I got to play miniature golf at Pirate's Cove, which did not suck, cause it was nighttime, and only 90 degrees.

19. Went back to Miami. The air conditioner was broken. The apartment was infested with roaches, but luckily they were all dead. We slept at friend's houses and packed during early morning to avoid heat stroke. Then we got the fuck out of Miami, and there was much rejoicing (yay).

20. Went to New Orleans, finally. It was hot, but lovely.

21. Got to Houston. Spent one night there.

22. Flew to California. Spent some time with M's family.

23. Got back to Houston a week later.

24. Flew to Chicago for J&M's wedding. Got to see B&L again.

25. Got back to Houston. No more traveling.

What did you do on your summer vacation?

(So much cooler than Miami)

Geshikhte

Today's google searches:

how to make buttermilk from milk and vinegar

vitamin a in sunscreen

rue mcclanahan

woody allen racist

sex and the city racist

common portuguese last names

mall walking

blowtorch history

(RIP Blanche)

Oy

M and I are moving to Houston, TX this summer.

M says I should be excited.

I am not kvelling.

(Define irony)

rirn zikh to the music

I am:

1. listening to Shuggie Otis and trying to figure out WTF the lyrics to Inspiration Information are.

2. trying to decide if it's really lame to use WTF instead of spelling it out.

3. wearing a grey hooded sweatshirt. I got home and changed from my grey sweater into my grey sweatshirt and started singing Won't You Be My Neighbor? to myself.

4. eating a tasteless cantaloupe.

5. spell checking cantaloupe.

6. thinking about card catalogs as furniture.

7. wishing I had gone to yoga this evening instead of eating a cheese and mayonnaise sandwich.

8. Runnin' out of fools. Onto Aretha Franklin in the playlist.

9. spell checking Aretha.

10. trying to move to Boston.

11. "snappier when I'm with you"

(Nice stache)

Antloyf FL

Dear Librarian S,

I am dedicating this blog to you, the only one of my lovely readers who comment on my posts. I'm glad you enjoyed M's ramblings. He was worried that he sounded crazy. I told him it was okay since he usually sounds that way. That did not appease him for some reason.

S, I am so glad you wrote on your blog again. It's not like I check it obsessively or anything. It's just that before I reprimanded you for not writing, I wanted to double check that you actually hadn't written, and that's when I saw you had written. Was that a run-on? I hope this means you will start writing regularly again.

So I guess it's pretty lazy of me, writing to you here instead of sending some snail mail. Can I claim I'm going green by saving the paper and envelope? Can I claim I've run out of stamps and have been too lazy to buy more? I shall claim both.

Things are pretty stagnant here in FL. Work is not so fun now that we're short staffed and I have to work 10 hour days with no overtime. My boss told me I had a dynamic personality yesterday. This was before she asked me to volunteer for a Saturday event. It was pretty transparent, but I had to agree that I was the only choice. One would think in a children's hospital I'd have coworkers who are good with children, but coworker A is grumpy and impatient, and coworker B borders on mute. I don't think she meant dynamic as much as she meant socially competent.

I can't wait to escape this wasteland.

How are you?

Spreading Irish zoymen

Disclaimer: The following blog was guest written by M. Oy, I could kvell claims no responsibility for its content. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the products of M's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental...

It is Monday night and as Monday is the day of renewed routines, I am sitting at the table, student papers before me, red wine at my side, country music in the background, and J is watching 18 kids and Counting, and yelling at the television, "the pill was invented in the fucking 50's you tools!" Yet, it doesn't feel quite right. Something is off. It's not the routine, which has been the same for years. No, it's the place. J asked me to elucidate why we are on a constant quest to abandon the fair city of Miami, a city that has produced such memorable moments as the 2000 presidential recount, Miami Vice, and 118 episodes of Cops, including one where a man stole an escaped python and then claimed it was his second passenger after being pulled over in the carpool lane. And as her dutiful husband, I shall.

But let's begin with a history lesson.

In 1810, Seamus McDonald Gutierrez of the County Cork Gutierrez' sailed from the city of Galway in a schooner built of abandoned Guinness crates and duct tape, bound for places unknown, with only a single desire: to propagate the Irish race so as to enlighten the world to our enchanting heritage. It was a noble calling, especially for one as despised as Seamus, who had fled the town Kilkenny because of a minor transgression involving a British nobleman and a mule, but that is no matter. Seamus was a humanitarian in an Irish Catholic sense, intent on spreading his wisdom (and seed) throughout this shrinking world. And that he did. Two hundred years later (it is the bicentennial of that courageous journey and there will be parade in Davenport, Iowa next week if you're interested), Seamus' descendants number over 593,000, more than the state of Wyoming. You will find his kin throughout the world, from Timbuktu to Seoul to Chicago, and there is even a bastard child in Pittsburgh. Through them, the energy and might of a great man persists, spreading the genius of the Irish throughout their wanderings. Now, you may wonder, what is the point? Why am I reading this guest blogger? Ah, that brings me to my next point: the awesomeness of any metropolis is equal to its Irish population.

Now, this is serious, as serious as the public option, as serious as nuclear proliferation, and definitely as serious as that Kirk Cameron special on Armageddon I watched on Sunday, which was truly the most disturbing half hour of my life (how could that be the guy who played that 1980's baddass Mike Seaver?) Anyways, in every city in the world, one will find at least one Irish pub that plays Irish music and serves Irish beer. This is an undeniable fact. Yet, the plethora of those pubs indicates whether a city is politically viable and culturally vibrant. Take New York, with its healthy Irish population (85,000 descendants of Seamus Gutierrez and counting). It has produced some of the greatest auteurs in cultural history: the Velvet Underground, Jackson Pollack, and Woody Allen. Although none of those men are Irish, let alone descendants of Seamus, it is no matter: their proximity to the Gutierrez clan was enough to stroke their brilliance. Boston, Chicago, and Los Angeles can claim scores upon scores of Seamus' descendants, and, hence Aerosmith, the musical Chicago, and Guns 'N Roses. Even a fairly small city like Minneapolis (and this is a shout out to all those ladies in the Twin Cities) is filled to the brim with purveyors of Seamus' stock. And what did they give us in return: the Replacements, Prince, and fuckin' Bob Dylan.

Now, I return to my original point. Why are J and M melancholy in Miami? Well, it is as simple as this: I am the lone descendent of Seamus McDonald Gutierrez on this godforsaken peninsula (although my cousin is hiding somewhere in the Everglades, but we don't speak of him, yeah you Liam.) It's true. I'm the last unicorn, the guy from Kung-fu, and the Mona Lisa, destined to walk alone along these humid, fungus filled streets. And, while I hold an incredibly high opinion of myself, I have no doubt that a single descendent of Seamus McDonald Gutierrez is not strong enough to make this city awesome. J may read this as a subtle plea to procreate, but I assure her it is not. It is just the truth. I am destined to walk alone (or perhaps with my wife), to just keep on keeping on. Like a horseless cowboy on a desert highway, I shall do my best to carry great Seamus' legacy forth, but with no Irish pub in sight, I feel as lonely as the last Wooly Mammoth on the Great Plains.

It is with this sad feeling that I leave you. Soon, if all goes well, we shall return to the great northeast. But if not, well, I am comforted by this: when Seamus Gutierrez arrived in the city of New York, it was nothing but a dinky port town populated by 25,000 sailors and 30,000 hogs. Now, well, you know how awesome New York is.
(M's kin are offended by this)
(J's kin are offended by this)

Nuptials and hinteles

We went to CA for Christmas. Our parents met for the first time. It was weird, but they liked each other. I made brisket and latkes for Christmas. It was pretty tasty. Jesus would have been proud.
(Sophie the dog gets cozy with her Christmas presents)

We hung out for a few days at the beach with fun family members. Then we did the marriage thing.
(This is where we did that marriage thing)

After the marriage thing we spent a few more days roaming around and eating tasty food. Mostly we ate a lot of In-N-Out Burger. My mom didn't like the fries. I think that is blasphemous.
(We wanted them to cater the wedding. The moms said no.)

Then we flew to NY and drove to the suburbs to collect our winter clothes and visit a suburban dog.
(Che Che Frederico did not receive Christmas presents)

And on to Brooklyn where we spent NYE with a lot of fun people, a tiny and adorable niece, and a furry nephew.
(Sammy is glad he's not fluffy)

Spent some time in the city with J, met up with some friends for a drink, and then had a fun party back in Brooklyn. Lots of people came from all over like Michigan, Minnesota, Illinois, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania, Vermont, North Carolina, Florida, Rhode Island, and Long Island.
(Deceptively quiet picture)

Then we came back to Miami. It was an awesome trip and I'm grateful for my lovely friends and family members who came to celebrate with us. Thanks dudes.